June 9, 2021
The anxious feeling that consumes inside of me when I see the word change is ridiculous.
How shameful can I be to put my blame into a word so that it'll be less blame on myself?
I wanted the memories of false positives to disappear. To be more specific the mirror pep talks about how things will change in my life for the better.
Yes, I said aloud to myself things will change, yes I said I'll do better but.....
You see that - that was a prime example as to what happened, it was said loud enough to hear but not enough to take action.
Hope cannot be truly inflicted into your heart unless your mind is clear of its traumas and triggers. You cannot speak or act anything into existence if you are not in the right mindset to receive them.
I had to face why I was afraid of change to be gifted some changes. Because truth be told the way things were going on in my life all I NEEDED was some damn change.
June 20, 2021
Change has become my new frenemy.
The irony is that one of my fears would be a word I need the most right now. My life was in a constant cycle of things I did not truly want. Not only did it become a cycle but things within the last year took a turn I never thought would happen to me. The only thing that could create a new path out of all this chaos was change. As much as I moved on from the recent event my mind still has this trauma burned within my conscious. Psychological Traumas are either sneaky or always full attack mode, either way, you must face it. Coming to terms with the fact I need to face this is what had me running back to my lovely friend change. And that change had to come from within myself, my career, relationships with people around me, etc. Taking the time to reanalyze things in my life even in the past and well no one willingly wants to do that.
But something had to give. I needed to give in to my fear of change.
July 1, 2021
This has been a very emotional roller coaster. The more time I have on my hands the more my mind is bringing things to the forefront. I know this is what I wanted but it's a lot I was not prepared for.
Once again a characteristic of my friend change,
I swear "surprise" is its middle name.
I don't even know what to write today. There is so much going on at once in my mind and im still working on clarity. I have been reading a lot lately starting with self-growth books to help me through this. Sometimes Google doesn't have all the answers and you just need to find them yourself. Me publicly writing this is part of my mission for change. I want others to know change isn't an easy life testimony like these social influencers make it seem. Time and dedication will be your best friends during this transition.
I can feel that it will all be worth it in the end because I no longer want to hold in this feeling of grey matter. When the universe and your subconscious are showing you the signs of what you truly deserve listen to it.
July 10, 2021
I'm finally starting to get the hang of patience and peace.
Reading. Meditation. New Health Choices and ME have been my top priority for the last 2 months. I still have days where I'm just drowning in the pain and fear that I've been running from. Although this time I'm no longer running away and I'm doing the right precautions to fight it. I'm proud of myself for choosing to do this sooner rather than later or should I say sooner rather than it's too late.
Even after all of this, my journey of change is yet to be over, it's only the beginning. That is the beauty of it though you are never your very best self. There will always be room for improvement, more knowledge to take in and hobbies to learn. I just wanted to share the reason for my journey hoping it will stop you from yours. Social Media will continue to create a false reality but it matters what you do in your reality. It is okay to just stop and think about putting a pause on the next step in your life.
BTW: Most of you have probably seen the cover for this blog and didn't notice the correlation of it. I love that one meaning of a Lotus flower is rebirth. Lotus flowers bloom within the dirtiest of swamps yet you would never know that. A lotus flower was the first tattoo I put on myself at the age of 17 and now at 24, I'm starting to see why this specific flower came upon me. I'm just getting started on my rebirth because the last 24 years of my life were not mine.
It's time for me to take over!